22–03–05

saw batman with J and E.

Most everyone is lonely, in a way. Searching for a connection. Something to identify with and hold on to.

Something that rings true. Resonates. A fulfillment that comes from being honest about what you want and getting it. So many struggle with just that first part — being honest about what you want. Mostly because we don’t know.

Even worse is when we know we don’t know. It’s tortuous. Trying to find something that feels like such a basic foundational aspect of your identity and yet… you just don’t know what it is.

Is that worse than knowing what it is you want and not being able to get it?

I wouldn’t know.

We try to be honest. with others. with ourselves. I don’t know how many of us succeed, but I know a lot of us try.

I tried for a long time. Not with being honest, but getting what I wanted. I told myself I did it in a way that wouldn’t hurt anyone. In reality, I did what was safest. Most of the time that meant not hurting anyone.

The worst has always been when I’m not honest with myself. Usually about why I would run from things before I could fail. It was never my fault; it was always my circumstances.

Of course, I couldn’t (can’t?) be honest with others about that either and it continues to compound. I have lied countless times about who I’ve been and what I’ve done, and I guess that means I’m still lying. I don’t want anyone to know that person. I want them to know who I am now.

Does that mean they need to know who I was?

I still don’t know. I also still don’t know what I really want. Maybe it’s
because I’m not ready to share that part of myself with anyone?

will I ever be?